My Weight Loss Journal

240.8

This is getting frustrating.

41 minutes.

I’m not going to lie and say it was easy but it wasn’t as bad as Couch to 5K used to be.

As usual the first 5 minutes or so were tough but then I kind of went into auto pilot. With about 10 minutes to go I got tired again. Just put my head down and pushed through. Caught a second wind with about 5 minutes to go and breezed to the finish.

Taking a second day of rest is making a world of difference. My legs felt good today and my elbow was a lot better.

Weight was low but form was excellent. Probably the best lift I’ve had in a long while.

Here are the numbers.

Deadlift - 10×135, 10×145, 10×145

(The first set went really well so I felt comfortable adding weight. I’m trying to be really careful with the back but I felt like my form on the last two sets was good. I can handle more weight but I’m going to go up SLOWLY. Not gonna be stupid this time around. I’ll eventually get back to where I want to be.)

Dumbbell incline bench press - 10×50, 10×50, 10×50

(I didn’t really have to give everything I had. Don’t know. I’m just used to missing reps here so I wanted to go through the whole thing without failing for once.)

Bulgarian split squat - 10xBW, 10xBW, 10xBW

(My form was flat out awesome today. I was literally scraping my knee on the ground on every rep. Still had the same issues with balance though. My left leg is perfect. I can drop my right knee, hit the ground and pop back up. I was able to bang out 10 every time with no problems. When I switched to my right leg I kept losing balance. I constantly had to either grab a nearby bar or bring my back leg off the bench to keep from hitting the floor. Not sure what the deal is there. Even with the problem I still had great form. Just had to take a lot of shots at it.)

Mixed grip lat pulldown - 10×135, 10×135, 10×135

(Felt a little twinge in my elbow but I still should have gone up in weight.)

Romanian deadlift - 10×65, 10×75, 10×75

(Same deal as deadlifts. First set went good so I went up in weight. Amazingly, I got through it relatively pain free. I still felt some pain but nothing like it usually is. Really had to concentrate on keeping my chest up and air in my stomach. Form must have been pretty good.)

Swiss ball lateral roll - 10×15, 10×15, 10×15

(I actually felt like I did these right this time. I kept my balance on the ball the whole time. No issues at all really. Maybe I’ve finally got it.)

33 minutes.

My elbow has been killing me today so I decided to get this run in instead of a lift.

I’m happy with my pace. It thought I was a little too fast early on. I got really tired. I caught a second wind, though, and managed to push myself pretty hard for the last 5 minutes or so.

30 minutes.

My second half was three minutes faster then normal. I know this because I got to the spot where I usually end after only 27 minutes. Not too big a deal. I wasn’t that tired.

Last weekend I went to a sporting goods store and bought a bunch of running clothes. My new shorts and t-shirts are supposed to “wick” - whatever that means. Today I tried them out. Gotta say that the fit is a lot better then my regular white tee. It’s a lot tighter.

After my run my shirt was drenched in the same spots as usual. After 30 minutes it was dry as ever. Technology is crazy isn’t it?

I’m gonna keep wearing them on all my runs. I’m far from getting to the point, though, where I use them at the gym. While I like my shirts tight around the middle on my run I don’t like them that way when I put my hands over my head. It rides up and exposes my stomach. The people at the gym will have to wait a while (read: years) before they get that view. My white tee’s are insanely long so I’m gonna keep using them during my lifts despite how unfashionable they are.

My legs didn’t feel too sore today so I decided to go to the gym. I actually went a little early so the place was a lot more busy. As a result, I dealt with things that I don’t normally see when it’s just me and a couple of other guys.

Rather then think about my back issues and how horrible my lifts were I got to see an obnoxious trainer, an insanely attractive girl and a pack of ogling guys. Thinking about how much other people suck is a lot better then spending an hour thinking about how much I suck.

Here are the numbers.

Squat - 10×135, 10×145, 10×145

(I tried to think of nothing else but bracing my abs today. I got by the first set without back pain for the most part. I felt a little guilty about going so low so I added 10 pounds on the second set. A little more back pain on that one but overall it wasn’t too much of a problem. On the third set I had major back issues going down on the very first rep. I racked it and thought about what I was doing. I’m knew I wasn’t going to hurt myself with 145 freaking pounds. I eventually got back under the bar and got all the reps.

I’m gonna need to drop the reps soon. Even this many felt like too much. Too many chances to hurt myself. I’ve thought about doing something like a 5×3 program. Maybe it would help me mentally get past all my back worries.

Either that or I can stop being a pussy and start acting like a man. This is getting ridiculous. I’m wasting my time.)

Cable seated row - 10×135, 10×135, 10×135

(That weird pain/soreness thing in the back of my left shoulder came back today. I don’t know what muscle it is.)

Supine hip extension - 10xBW, 10xBW, 10xBW

(I used the bigger swiss ball for the first two sets. Makes it a little tougher. As I walked over to do my third set some trainer guy was sitting on it! He saw me using it during my first two sets! What an ass. Couldn’t really interrupt him because he was in the middle of working with a client when I walked over. I had to grab a smaller one.

Here’s the thing about personal trainers. In the two years I’ve been going regularly to the gym I’ve never seen a male personal trainer who looked like he was a personal trainer. I’ve seen plenty of women who looked the part. The guys, though, have all been either fat or scrawny with nothing in between. This guy was fatter then me! New rule - if you’re fatter then me you can’t be a personal trainer. Isn’t there already a rule that says you have to be in good shape to do that job? Guess not.)

Dumbbell push press - 10×40, 10×40, 10×40

(Stuck with the 40’s because of the shoulder thing. I did them pretty fast and now my elbow hurts. WTF? Gotta go up in weight here.)

Rotational lunge - 10×20, 10×20, 10×20

(I regret not going with the 25’s. These were tough and I couldn’t do them consecutively but I need to go up in weight since I don’t have any pain on this one.)

Swiss ball crunch - 10xBW, 10xBW, 10xBW

(No biggie but I did have a weird experience. After I finished my first set I looked up and I’m standing directly in front a gorgeous girl using a machine about 10 feet away. She was an absolute knockout. The crazy thing is that she was modestly dressed. Never seen that in a gym before. It didn’t matter what she wore, though, she was going to be noticed.

For my last two sets she was still there doing her thing. I turned around and did my reps with my back to her. When I got up I was facing the rest of the weight room and saw about 10 guys staring past me. It was the creepiest damned thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It wasn’t that guys were looking it was just the sheer numbers and the fact that nobody was even pretending to be sneaky about it.

I remember thinking that she’s probably never going to come back to our gym. Then I thought that she’s probably going to get that no matter where she goes. There were other attractive women around who were dressed much more provocatively. This is just her cross to bear, I guess. It’s one thing to show up in some skimpy outfit. It’s another to just wear a t-shirt and shorts and still get gawked at. Must be tough.)

240.2

Once again I saved my highest weigh in for Sunday. I usually don’t get as much sleep on Saturday nights so maybe that’s the reason. I’ve been close all week though so I shouldn’t really complain.

I’m very concerned about my weight now. I didn’t manage to lose any weight during the entire month of April. Now it’s May and I”m still 4 pounds over my low.

38 minutes.

I started out pretty fast today so that made the last 10 minutes pretty tough. I made it though. The longest I’ve ever run in my life.

Running longer means exploring more of the trail I run on. It gets really hilly on the newest stretch that I discovered today. Hopefully it will flatten out next Saturday when I run for 41 minutes.

MUCH better lift today. I wasn’t really sore at all so that helps. Today I took care of my back but found out that I might be a little asymmetrical.

Here are the numbers.

Deadlift - 12×135, 12×135, 12×135

( I knew from the first few reps that this was going to be a good day. No problems using my legs to get down to the bar. I got to see the veins in my forearms again after doing these so that was sweet. In addition I think I noticed an actual back muscle for the first time today. I notice new muscles all the time now but that one was especially cool. It’s in the middle of my back and it sticks out pretty far when I flex it. Maybe I’ll get the same deal with my lower back one day. I need all the protection I can get.)

Dumbbell incline bench press - 12×50, 8×45, 12×45

(Bit off more then I could chew here. The 50’s felt incredibly heavy on the first set. I failed on the second set. Pushing the 45’s on the last set for all the reps took everything I had.)

Bulgarian split squat - 12xBW, 12xBW, 12xBW

(Here’s where I learned about the asymmetrical thing. I noticed today that I can balance myself pretty easily on my left leg. I can’t do that with my right leg. I couldn’t do a single set on my right leg with my back leg on the bench the entire time. I had to take it off to catch myself every once in a while.

You might wonder why I’m just noticing this. Today was probably the first day that I actually treated these like squats with proper squat form instead of just randomly dropping my back leg. Amazingly, I was able to drop my back knee virtually to the ground when I did this. My form was awesome if I don’t say so myself. Maybe I’ll be able to graduate soon to the body bar that the girls use in their aerobics class. I think I’m going to try bodyweight at least one more time, though, just to make sure that my form is good.)

Mixed grip lat pulldown - 12×135, 12×135, 12×135

(For some reason I’m stronger when my left hand is in the chin up position then the other way around. I had no troubles with the former and had to fight hard in the latter.)

Romanian deadlift - 12×65, 12×65, 12×65

(My form is getting better. It’s hard to concentrate on form when the weight is so low but I need to do this. I’ve got to work on my breathing here. I think I’ve got it down. I take a deep breath before I go down and then I let air out when I come back up. Also need to keep concentrating on bracing my abs. When I do those things properly my back doesn’t hurt. When I forget them - well, pain city.)

Swiss ball lateral roll - 12×15, 12×15, 12×15

(Still stupid. I don’t want to do them. They don’t hurt so I’m probably doing them wrong.)

32 minutes.

The weather was perfect today. A little cool but not too cold.

I felt like I ran faster today but of course I have no way of knowing for sure.

My legs have been sore all day from Monday’s lift but that didn’t really concern me since I’m always sore these days. I went to the gym anyway. I did one set of deadlifts and I couldn’t even walk normally afterwards. Tried to bend down for a second set and it hurt too much. Enough was enough so I left the gym.

It took me 10 minutes to unload the weight. The walk home hurt like hell. I was pitiful.

One positive - my back feels great. Now that my quads are hurting so much I’m starting to think that I finally understand correct squat/deadlift form.

I didn’t pull anything in my leg. I’m just really, really sore right now. I’m gonna stick to two lifts a week for a while and see how that goes. Maybe Tuesday and Friday. Every other day is not working. I’ll probably do this lift on Friday and then start my new schedule on Tuesday.

I decided to do it. I’m going to run the Marine Corps Marathon. I paid my 94 dollars. I’m in. No turning back now.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently planning out my training schedule. I’ll finish One Hour Runner in the first week of June. Then I’m going to run a 5K and a 10K. After those are over I’m gonna take a week off and then start my marathon training.

I’m going to follow Hal Higdon’s Marathon Training Guide.

I’m going to change things up just a little bit though. I intend to lift two days a week in addition to the four runs. I’ll take my rest day the day before my long run.

This should be interesting to say the least. If a marathon is too much for me I’ll know well before the race. Worst case I can defer until ‘09. I hope I don’t have to though. I’m excited about having a challenge that has nothing to do with weight loss.

30 minutes.

It was colder then I would have liked today. Also, my legs were pretty sore from the lift yesterday. Nothing else to complain about, I guess.

I feel like I’m getting smarter with my pacing. Maybe I should experiment with going faster. I’m just afraid of going too fast. I’m kind of on a roll here. Don’t want to ruin it.

A week off from lifting probably did me some good. My left shoulder is still aching for some reason but it didn’t affect my squats today.

Here are the numbers.

Squat - 12×135, 12×135, 12×135

( My form was not up to my standards today. Midway through the second set I thought my form was acceptable. Every other rep wasn’t good enough. Even so, I’m proud to have finished these because my back was aching throughout. I thought seriously about bailing on the last set but managed to do it anyway.

Pain isn’t a problem, really. It’s the fear of the pain that usually gets me. When I feel a tweak in my back, the thought of hurting it is all I can think of when I drop. I need to get over this if I’m ever going to progress.)

Cable seated row - 12×135, 12×135, 12×135

(Nothing to report.)

Supine hip extension - 12xBW, 12xBW, 12xBW

(These got pretty tough today. Back issues hampered me a little but nothing I couldn’t stand.)

Dumbbell push press - 12×35, 12×40, 12×40

(Progress! I added weight here to make this lift an actual success.)

Rotational lunge - 12×20, 12×20, 12×20

(Tough! I still haven’t found a way to do all the reps consecutively. I had to stand for a few seconds every once in a while. Whenever I did as many as six in a row my muscles started aching like mad.)

Swiss ball crunch - 12xBW, 12xBW, 12xBW

(Tough. I’m getting a huge range of motion so I guess that’s why.)

237.6

Once again the heaviest I’ve weighed all week!

Not much more, though. I weighed 237.0 on most days.

35 minutes.

Today was hot and humid. That made today’s run more difficult then it had to be. It was tough to breath out there! I sweat more then I can remember in forever.

Got it done, though. A new person record. The longest I’ve ever run.

Next Saturday is 38 minutes. I’m not too worried.

29 minutes

It was a little weird to stop one minute earlier then normal. That’s part of the plan though.

30 minutes.

This one was the same as always. Nothing to it. Looking forward to trying 35 minutes on Saturday.

I spent a grand total of ten minutes in the gym today. Most of that time was spent stretching.

I tried to do squats but my left arm and shoulder was killing me every time I tried to put the bar on my back. I gritted my teeth for a few reps and then my back started acting up. As you might expect, my form was atrocious.

My only option was to abandon squats and do the other lifts. That would be a waste so I didn’t do it. I unloaded all the weight and walked out in disgust.

Walking home I was in a pretty dark place. I thought a lot about quitting. I got to thinking about the constant pain I’m subjecting myself to. Even when I have a successful lift there is pain somewhere. Sometimes I think that this is all too much.

I’ll try to think positively tomorrow. I just can’t do it right now.

237.8

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. The most I’ve weighed all week.

At least I can count on a loss next Sunday.  

Really good lift today. I had some back pain but I managed to fight through it for the most part.

Here are the numbers.

Deadlift - 12×135, 12×135, 12×135

(Kept the same weight even though I dropped from 15 to 12 reps. This was to keep my back from acting up. I was a little sore but managed to do all the lifts. An interesting thing happened when I did these. I noticed the vein in my arm that extends from the back of my hand to the crook of my elbow. It was POPPING out. The first time I noticed this might have been the most awesome moment in my entire gym going life. It’s still showing somewhat even 5 hours later. My wife even commented on it. I can’t stop staring.

More evidence of losing weight in stupid places, I guess. Still AWESOME, but come on. I’m losing weight in my forearms now?)

Dumbbell incline bench press - 12×45, 12×50, 10×50

(Felt like I needed to bump up the weight here to make some sort of progress. My right shoulder started popping in the middle of these. What is that about? Couldn’t finished that last set. I hit the wall.)

Bulgarian split squat - 12xBW, 12xBW, 12xBW

(Still doing these with just body weight because I don’t want to hate life right now. I need to suck it up and get something. Maybe I’ll swallow my pride one day and grab some 5’s or 10s.)

Mixed grip lat pulldown - 12×135, 12×135, 10×135

(Hit the wall here too. Couldn’t get that last set done. Sucks because I ended up doing one side more then the other. Very annoying.)

Romanian deadlift - 12×65, 12×65, 12×65

(If I ever deserved a pat on the head it was right here. First I put 10’s on the bar. I know - miraculous. The very first rep gave me the same old back pain. Instead of bailing, I tightened my abs as hard as I could and went back for more. Every rep from then on was much better. I don’t know. Sometimes I think the whole back thing might be in my head. When I commit to doing it, come hell or high water, I usually get it done. For a while anyway. Then I get stupid, add too much weight, and hurt myself again.)

Swiss ball lateral roll - 12×15, 12×15, 12×15

(These are still stupid and I’ll probably never know if I’m doing them right.)

I’m going to do a weigh in post tomorrow but I wanted to make a few notes on the scale.

Three times in the last week I’ve weighed in at 234. All those times have been after a run, though, so I’m not going to count them. The 235 was the same way. Not a “real” weight. I’m determined to count my morning weigh in only. No matter what.

Every morning I’ve weighed either 236 or 237. A couple of times I’ve weighed 236 exactly. Only 0.2 over my low. I guess that’s why this current dry spell isn’t as frustrating as other times. I’m close to dropping every single day.

I’m extremely anxious to get down to 229. I’ve always felt that the 220’s were a “decent” weight for my height. When I hear a guy is 6′4 and 220 I think he’s in pretty good shape. It’s mental really. Just a number but a big one in my mind.

Until then I’ll just keep plugging along. Hopefully I can get there in a month or so.

Finally finished with the first three weeks of this thing. Now it’s time to get serious.

No issues today. My second half was actually a little faster then usual. That’s good. I also noticed that I wasn’t huffing and puffing so hard this time.

If I was continuing on these 30 minute runs I think I would concentrate on bumping up my speed. Since I’m going up in time, though, I’m gonna stick to where I’m at. Slow and steady. Once I get to an hour I might work on getting faster.

Definitely don’t want to do like I did during Couch to 5K. I was going way too fast and got discouraged. Jogging for time is important right now. Speed will come. Gotta keep reminding myself of that.

Another good run.

My early pace was a little faster then I think it should be at this point. I got pretty tired at the end.

Now I’m dealing with a little shin pain. Are these “shin splints?” If this pain keeps up I might have to slow down the schedule and take a few days off.

I spent way too much time yesterday fantasizing about running a marathon. That’s what I get for watching the Marathon challenge on PBS.

Afterwards, I spent way too much time drooling over this GPS watch.

Registration for the Marine Corps Marathon starts on April 30. I’m seriously considering signing up.

I don’t know what the hell has gotten into me. I usually get this urge every couple of months. It should go away in a few days.

I felt like running today after my lift.

Nothing to note really. It was pretty easy.

I think I’m gonna run again on Thursday and Saturday. That would enable me to do my first over 30 minute run next Saturday. I’m ready to get to it.

The reps dropped down to 12 today and that made things a lot more manageable. Still had some back troubles on squats but otherwise on OK lift.

Here are the numbers. 

Squat - 12×135, 12×135, 12×135

( Finally moved up to a reasonable weight today. After a ton of stretching I figured I should take my chances. Felt a little tweak in my back on every one but it wasn’t the normal shooting pain so I stuck it out. I’m doing good right now so it was probably for the best. Considered bailing on the last set but luckily I gritted my teeth and stuck it out. I don’t remember if I’ve done all three sets of these since I started back lifting.

My form was half assed at times. I’m not happy with it at all. I’m gonna stick with 135 for the forseeable future until I can get these right.

One thing that was weird was that my left tricep was really sore. This made it difficult to get under the bar. Never had that happen before. Don’t know what that was about.)

Cable seated row - 12×135, 12×135, 12×135

(Nothing to report. Felt a little pain in my tricep here.)

Supine hip extension - 12xBW, 12xBW, 12xBW

(No problems.)

Dumbbell push press - 12×35, 12×35, 12×35

(Little bit of a struggle here but I think I should move up to the 40’s soon.) 

Rotational lunge - 12×20, 12×20, 12×20

(These went from impossible to only hard as hell with the drop in reps. I should be better at these by now.)

Swiss ball crunch - 12xBW, 12xBW, 12xBW

(No issues.)

Interesting article at Men’s Health about waist to hip ratio.

I’m always on the look out for things like this so I can measure progress somewhere other then the scale. The gist of the article is that you measure your stomach at the belly button and divide that number by the size of your hips.

0.92 or lower is ideal.

My waist at the belly button is 42 inches. My hips are 42 inches. After a lot of complicated math that I won’t bore you with, I figured out that my ratio is 1. If I lost 4 inches on my stomach I’d be able to hit that ideal mark.

I’ve weighed 237.0 for the last two days. Guess that’s progress.

I didn’t go to the gym yesterday because I’m experiencing a brand new pain in my shin. I thought I hurt every where I possibly could at least once over the past two years. I was wrong.

My next lift involves squats and I just couldn’t see doing that when I hurt whenever I flexed my foot.

My shins still hurt a little but I need to lift today. I really don’t want to, though. I think I’ve reached an all time low in terms of motivation to lift. I think it probably has something to do with the huge rep ranges I’m currently doing. That and the soreness that still hits me since I’m barely back from the long layover.

In the past all I had to do was look in the mirror and that was all it took to get my ass to the gym. I was horribly obese and I was willing to do anything. Thoughts of what I needed to do in the gym dominated my life. Hours I used to spend thinking about sports or, um, other things guys think about, were diverted into thoughts about how I could improve my squat/deadlift or rep ranges or protein consumption. Etc.Etc. Etc. You get the idea. After spending all day thinking about losing weight and going to the gym, not going to the gym was just not an option. It would be like studying for a test and then skipping it.

As the years have gone by I have slowly lost that edge. Thoughts of weight loss don’t dominate my life like they used to. I think that’s a good thing in the long run. I got a little too obsessed for a while there. I couldn’t even go to a restaurant without freaking out. One time I went to some steak joint, had a steak and veggies and still spent the entire meal thinking, “you’re gonna get fat, you’re gonna get fat, you’re gonna get fat.” I couldn’t even have a conversation with my wife. I didn’t want to be there and pretty much ruined the experience for her.

Today I don’t feel so fat. This is not because of some change in me but a change in the outside world. People treat me differently now. My wife talks about my body constantly. Family and friends gush about how “skinny” I look. Guys at the gym comment on my weight loss. Pretty girls smile at me on the street.

The whole reason I started this thing was to look “normal.” Now I feel like I do. I’m not the thinnest guy in the room but I’m not the fattest either. In fact, with all the lifting I’ve been doing I think I could pass for 220ish without anyone batting an eye. Quite frankly it’s a good feeling and I’m grateful every day for it.

I want to lose weight for different reasons now. I want to reach that arbitrary goal of 200lbs. I want to be below some arbitrary body fat percentage. I want to be as physically fit as possible.

The problem is that the thought of living the rest of my life 30 or 40 pounds overweight doesn’t keep me up at night. Fear of being fat isn’t motivating me anymore. I’m at the point now where the fat on my body is merely annoying instead of confidence crushing. Say what you want about negative body image but one things for sure - it can singlehandedly pull your ass to the gym for a long damn time.

My pace was better today. Maybe a little too slow though.

I slowed down on the first half and reached my turn around point about 2 minutes slower then last time. This allowed me to finish my run without any pain whatsoever. When I finally hit the 30 minute mark I still had some gas left in the tank.

I need to find a middle ground where I push myself but don’t get so tired that I have to struggle to breathe.

239.4

Just got in from my little weekend “vacation.” I ate like crap for the most part. The fact that we walked an outrageous number of miles was probably the only thing that kept me under 240. I think this number will drop soon. I always have a spike followed by a huge loss after things like this.

Miracle of miracles. I finished every lift today.

I had a little pain here and there but I pushed through and finally finished the last of my 15 rep sets for a while.

Here are the numbers.

Deadlift - 15×135, 15×135, 15×135

(I kept banging my right shin with the bar but other then that I did alright. Worried a little about that last set but I managed to push through some soreness to get it done.)

Dumbbell incline bench press - 15×35, 15×40, 15×40

(The 35’s were too easy so I bumped up to 40 on the second set. Honestly it wasn’t too difficult but I’m trying not to kill myself too early. The last set was a real struggle. I went the whole time without any shoulder popping or pain so I’ll consider this one a win.)

Bulgarian split squat - 15xBW, 15xBW, 15xBW

(Doing body weight makes these a lot better on my knees. I feel like I’m actually learning how to do these things correctly for the first time ever. I was able to drop my back leg almost to the ground every time. By the time I got to the last set I was dead tired and had to take little mini breaks.)

Mixed grip lat pulldown - 15×120, 15×120, 15×120

(Awkward. It’s harder to do this one with my right hand in chin up position. Not sure why. Since I’m right handed you’d think it would be easier for me.)

Romanian deadlift - 15×45, 15×45, 15×45

(I tried 95 again and again I had no chance. Broke it down to the bar afterwards. I had to grit my teeth but I got these done too. My back shouldn’t hurt here but it does.)

Swiss ball lateral roll - 15×15, 15×15, 15×15

(These felt really awkward for some reason. I’m not sure I do these right. My hamstrings and backside are doing most of the work.)

This weekend the wife and I are going on a little mini vacation. She’s really excited so I can’t really get out of it. I feel like crap now but I really need to find a way to get my lift in tonight. My whole schedule will be thrown off by this trip and this bothers me much more than it would a normal person.

Week 2, day 3 of OHR will have to start next week. I think I might try to run 4 times just to catch up. It bothers me that much. I’m coming to terms with two lifts a week since to do more right now would be too painful.

On the weight front things are OK. Twice I’ve manage to weigh in below my last low of 235.8. Both times were immediately after a run, though, so I decided not to count them. It feels like I’ll be chasing some fake number forever if I get in that habit. It was really tempting to take a picture of 234.2 the other day but I was strong. It would just be more frustrating in the long run. Most mornings I weigh 236 or 237. Those are my “real” weights so I’m gonna stick to them.

I’m trying really hard to focus on changes in my body and not the numbers on the scale. This is almost impossible to anybody who’s completely honest with themself but I have my moments.

It seems like I’m losing fat in the stupidest, most useless places sometimes but still it’s happening. My legs feel like they are rock solid. They also feel like freaking tree trunks. To be perfectly honest I hope they don’t get any bigger. It’s kind of cool to see a big quad muscle sticking out at times but the novelty has worn off.

Adusting to life without enormous man boobs has been difficult. I still have a habit of looking down all the time when I’m walking around. There’s not much there anymore but I always feel like I should check just so I can adjust my shirt. I think that’s an annoying habit that might stick with me for life. Everytime I look down there’s nothing to adjust but that doesn’t stop me from looking again 5 minutes later.

I actually have a little definition in my arms now. I have defined biceps for the first time in my life. I’m just like any other guy so this development thrills me. It’s not just some big mass but it’s cut a little and there’s a definite line. Very cool.

Some things that I never thought about when I first started losing weight but are outrageously cool now are the development in my forearms and hands. Apparently there are muscles in the forearm because sometimes I’ll look down and they are sticking out. I’ve also got veins popping out of the back of my hand now. I’ve got to be honest, when I first started seeing this it kind of freaked me out. Now I think it’s cool. They also stick out near my elbow and again this is very cool.

There’s more! I don’t have love handles anymore. In fact I can actually feel muscles on my sides now. Right on the surface. I can also see and feel the bottom of my ribcage when I’m standing up. When I lay down it’s really pronounced! I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that.

One bad thing is what looks like loose skin on my stomach. I’ve always worried about this and I’m starting to see some problems. When I stick my stomach out as far as it can go there is no problem. The skin is tight. When I just stand regularly though you can see it. Don’t know how to explain it really. The skin just kind of crinkles up at the bottom at my waist. Nothing falls below my waist so it’s not a major issue. It’s totally minor really. My wife doesn’t see why it bothers me. I’m like everyone else, though, so I obsess over it and think it’s the most disgusting thing in the world. If it’s still there when I get down to the weight I want there is a 100% chance that I’m going under the knife to take care of it. I already know which plastic surgeon I’m going to see.

In the grand scheme of things I’m OK with how I look today. Sometimes I think I can pass for normal. I still look forward to losing fat in my stomach and chest though. Other the that, no real worries. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I’m completely happy with my body. Maybe I’ll get close enough, though. Maybe one day I’ll take off my shirt, look in the mirror and be proud of the way I look.

Everyone always talks about loving your body no matter what. Does anyone really do that though? Really? I’d like to meet that person. Sometimes I think about how stupid it is to worry about every little thing. When I look at a person, I know that I usually don’t notice most of the things that they worry about. People tell me about their problem spots and I honestly don’t notice until they tell me. I guess I’m not really that perceptive.

In the past, it always annoyed me when thin people would complain about their bodies. I’m almost at a point now where I can begin to see where they are coming from. Any minor flaw is magnified a 1000x in people’s minds. Intellectually, I think we all know that a little confidence will go a long way. The problem is that’s easier said then done.

I know now that this whole thing isn’t only a physical challenge but also a mental one. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me both in and out of the gym. I’ll get there one day.

I hope.

Another TOUGH run.

It hot enough to run without a hoodie now so that might be trouble. I think when it’s cooler outside running is more fun.

My pace was almost exactly the same as yesterday. I was huffing and puffing for a long time. I’ve got to learn to SLOW THE HELL DOWN. It’s hard when there are so many people around because I have to speed up to get around/through them. It’s also difficult to see other runners flying past me and not showing any signs of being tired.

Oh well. I’ll get there one day.

More 30 minute runs this week.

Today was pretty tough and I was really tired at the end. I don’t know if I could have gone much longer if I tried. I think my early pace was way to fast. I hit the spot where I normally turn around in 15 minutes when it usually takes me 20.

I’m still struggling to adjust to all the hills and stuff but I think it will help me in the long run. We’ll see.