This weekend the wife and I are going on a little mini vacation. She’s really excited so I can’t really get out of it. I feel like crap now but I really need to find a way to get my lift in tonight. My whole schedule will be thrown off by this trip and this bothers me much more than it would a normal person.
Week 2, day 3 of OHR will have to start next week. I think I might try to run 4 times just to catch up. It bothers me that much. I’m coming to terms with two lifts a week since to do more right now would be too painful.
On the weight front things are OK. Twice I’ve manage to weigh in below my last low of 235.8. Both times were immediately after a run, though, so I decided not to count them. It feels like I’ll be chasing some fake number forever if I get in that habit. It was really tempting to take a picture of 234.2 the other day but I was strong. It would just be more frustrating in the long run. Most mornings I weigh 236 or 237. Those are my “real” weights so I’m gonna stick to them.
I’m trying really hard to focus on changes in my body and not the numbers on the scale. This is almost impossible to anybody who’s completely honest with themself but I have my moments.
It seems like I’m losing fat in the stupidest, most useless places sometimes but still it’s happening. My legs feel like they are rock solid. They also feel like freaking tree trunks. To be perfectly honest I hope they don’t get any bigger. It’s kind of cool to see a big quad muscle sticking out at times but the novelty has worn off.
Adusting to life without enormous man boobs has been difficult. I still have a habit of looking down all the time when I’m walking around. There’s not much there anymore but I always feel like I should check just so I can adjust my shirt. I think that’s an annoying habit that might stick with me for life. Everytime I look down there’s nothing to adjust but that doesn’t stop me from looking again 5 minutes later.
I actually have a little definition in my arms now. I have defined biceps for the first time in my life. I’m just like any other guy so this development thrills me. It’s not just some big mass but it’s cut a little and there’s a definite line. Very cool.
Some things that I never thought about when I first started losing weight but are outrageously cool now are the development in my forearms and hands. Apparently there are muscles in the forearm because sometimes I’ll look down and they are sticking out. I’ve also got veins popping out of the back of my hand now. I’ve got to be honest, when I first started seeing this it kind of freaked me out. Now I think it’s cool. They also stick out near my elbow and again this is very cool.
There’s more! I don’t have love handles anymore. In fact I can actually feel muscles on my sides now. Right on the surface. I can also see and feel the bottom of my ribcage when I’m standing up. When I lay down it’s really pronounced! I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that.
One bad thing is what looks like loose skin on my stomach. I’ve always worried about this and I’m starting to see some problems. When I stick my stomach out as far as it can go there is no problem. The skin is tight. When I just stand regularly though you can see it. Don’t know how to explain it really. The skin just kind of crinkles up at the bottom at my waist. Nothing falls below my waist so it’s not a major issue. It’s totally minor really. My wife doesn’t see why it bothers me. I’m like everyone else, though, so I obsess over it and think it’s the most disgusting thing in the world. If it’s still there when I get down to the weight I want there is a 100% chance that I’m going under the knife to take care of it. I already know which plastic surgeon I’m going to see.
In the grand scheme of things I’m OK with how I look today. Sometimes I think I can pass for normal. I still look forward to losing fat in my stomach and chest though. Other the that, no real worries. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I’m completely happy with my body. Maybe I’ll get close enough, though. Maybe one day I’ll take off my shirt, look in the mirror and be proud of the way I look.
Everyone always talks about loving your body no matter what. Does anyone really do that though? Really? I’d like to meet that person. Sometimes I think about how stupid it is to worry about every little thing. When I look at a person, I know that I usually don’t notice most of the things that they worry about. People tell me about their problem spots and I honestly don’t notice until they tell me. I guess I’m not really that perceptive.
In the past, it always annoyed me when thin people would complain about their bodies. I’m almost at a point now where I can begin to see where they are coming from. Any minor flaw is magnified a 1000x in people’s minds. Intellectually, I think we all know that a little confidence will go a long way. The problem is that’s easier said then done.
I know now that this whole thing isn’t only a physical challenge but also a mental one. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me both in and out of the gym. I’ll get there one day.